Change and the Importance of Transitions

When dealing with change, it is important to be aware of and acknowledge the intricacies of the transitions that must occur for success. There is a wonderful book that I was required to read in college called Managing Transitions (Massachusetts: Da Capo Press, 2003) by William Bridges. The book was part of my organizational behavior studies and focuses on making the most of change. Though the book was written as a guide for organizations to work through mergers, downsizes, take-overs, etc., I recognized many of the book’s key points as optimal in working through all life’s changes, particularly those at home.

Change may become necessary dependent upon our particular situation; it is usually physical: aging, moving out of and into a new home or job, financial set backs, marriage, children, illness, the death of a friend or loved one, divorce, starting a new grade or a new school, etc. In order to fully implement modifications in our lives and make them work for us, we need to acknowledge the need for transition.

Transition is psychological, and part of a process we all go through as we digest and come to terms with the results of variations in our lives. Transition essentially starts with an ending and ends with a beginning, according to Bridges, and has three phases:

1) The Ending: letting go of the old;

2) The Neutral Zone: dealing with the space between the old being over and the new not quite up and running; and,

3) A New Beginning: creating a new beginning to make the change work.

As parents we often find ourselves handling alterations in the status quo - our own or our children’s - as we surf the waves of life. While often changes cannot be predicted and may come upon us in a flash, we are wise to be alert to the transitions necessary when change occurs. The reason this is so important is because if we overlook transitions and focus on just the change, we are in essence, dealing with the problem rather than proactively finding a solution.

Transitions allow all involved to better acclimate to what is going on. To mourn the old, to properly say goodbye, and open ourselves to the positive possibilities of the change itself. Where transitions make adapting to change easier, ignoring the importance of transitions often results in the destruction of relationships, erratic behavior and being stuck in the past rather than being able to move forward and prosper.

The Ending. Transitions begin with the end that each change brings about. Examples for us and our daughters include: graduating from elementary school, starting their period, the loss of a friend or loved one, divorce, etc. Each signifies an ending. Graduating from elementary school marks the end of free and easy childhood and the time to take on more responsibility for themselves. Starting their period marks the end of being kids and the beginning of young womanhood. The loss of a friend or loved one marks the end of a relationship. Divorce marks the end of their family as they knew it. This is the first phase of transition and it is important that we recognize this and are open with our daughters regarding the feelings that come to the surface.

"All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind is part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter into another."

Anatole France, French Writer

Transitions allow us this process of dying to one life and beginning another; saying goodbye to one situation and welcoming a new one. As mothers we must help our children identify who is losing what by:

A. Describing all details of the change or modification to a situation;

B. Foreseeing the impact of the initial modification being required (the cause) and predicting if any additional modifications (effect) will be necessary; and,

C. Establishing who will have to let go of something due to these modification(s).

The benefit of doing A-C is that many of the losses our daughter(s) might feel may not actually be losses, but merely their perceptions of a given situation. This also allows everyone concerned to gain a better perspective of the change itself and the potential effects it will cause.

We can help our daughters acknowledge these losses however, we must be careful to allow the subjective as well as the tangible losses, whether we see them as important or not. What isn’t important to us, may be very important to our girls. Remember we are coming into each situation - all of us - with different perspectives - whether we’ve lived together all our lives or not - and therefore, each person’s take on change must be respected. So, if we understand their loss or their experience of loss from the change, we will be better able to help them transition through it.

The key to remember here is that such modifications to our lives cause the need for transitions which cause losses. These losses are what cause reaction or overreaction. It is up to us as mothers help to unearth the issues brought up by perceived loss.

When an entire family is effected by a life-altering event such as with the death of a spouse, divorce or a move, it may be more difficult to be the reasonable mother if we have a lot at stake. That is why it is so important for us to understand the importance of transitions in our lives - so that even when we are in the thick of loss ourselves, we can be more aware and therefore more attentive to our need to transition ourselves as well as our children. This isn’t easy but it’s not impossible either.

Just like we are told on airplanes by the flight attendants, it is most important that we put the oxygen masks on our own faces before helping our children with theirs. After all, what good are we to our daughters if we can’t breathe. The same can be said for transitioning through change; healthy transitions can only occur with continued communication.

"Chaos often breeds life, while order breeds habit."

Henry Adams, American Historian

As mothers we must guide our daughters through change and transition as follows:

1. Acknowledge all losses openly and with sympathy. This enables a healthy, healing environment for everyone concerned.
2. Define what’s actually ending and the positive things that are not effected.
3. Be ready for and allow the signs of grief. These were originally identified and described by Elisabeth Kubler Ross, M.D., in her book On Death and Dying (New York: Macmillan, 1969). The signs include: denial, anger, bargaining, anxiety, sadness, disorientation and depression. Do not suppress them. Do not rush to get through them. Rather, discuss them with your daughter(s). Allow your daughter(s) to share hers as well. Work through them together.
4. Respect what is passing or past, always; allow memories and/or positive mementos of the past.
5. At the same time you enable and allow for healing, be sure not to drag out change or transitions.
6. Look for healthy and fruitful ways to counterbalance for loss.

The Neutral Zone. In between the ending and new beginning, we must be aware of stumbling blocks. With loss comes anxiety, decreased motivation, disconnection from activities, reversion to less desirable habits, a sense of overload, misperceptions, overcompensation, etc. This is an integral time for redefining and reorienting ourselves and our children.

We are better able to help create positive new beginnings by taking time to mentally and emotionally walk in our daughters’ shoes, as daughters ourselves.

As mothers of daughters we have the benefit of being female and all that goes with our gender. With this commonality, we are more adept to create win-win outcomes by continuing to communicate with our daughters and staying in touch with such potential or actual stumbling blocks; to help them make the most of the situation and empower them forward.

As you can see, moms, this phase is our opportunity to show our daughters how to make lemonade.

A New Beginning. Rather than force a new beginning, we are more receptive to encouragement, support and reinforcement. Like our regular exchanges with our daughters, it is important that everyone knows and understands all the rules being set forth by all parties. Establishing the new beginning - the outcome of the life event and its transition - up front helps move everyone forward together.

Be sure to explain the purpose, paint a mental picture (or show a tangible one if available/appropriate), outline the steps that will help get everyone there and, most importantly, allow your daughters to be a part of both the plan and the outcome. Be specific. Be empowering. Be supportive.

By guiding our daughters through life's ups and downs by teaching them the importance of transition, we are equipping them with an invaluable tool for mastering life’s ups and downs, as well as leadership qualities that will help them personally and professionally throughout their lives.