The Mother and Daughter Relationship

Many studies have been done on mother and daughter relationships and the mother daughter bond . Though they are enlightening and informative, often they only touch the surface of our reality - with very general information or so data-heavy like the results of lab experiments - rather than delve into the uniqueness of different perceptions, thought processes and experiences.

The bond between mother and daughter can be incredibly strong. It is inherently so because we are female, because we rank equally in society (unfortunate, since there is no equality of salaries and status between men and women in our society even today), and because even in dating and after marriage, a mother can remain the primary woman in her daughter’s life.

As mothers at the time of conception we bond with our babies because we are their sole caregiver and they are growing inside us - it is a phenomena I feel sorry for men that they can’t experience; it is uniquely ours as women. Such bonding is a wonderfully positive emotional attachment that cannot be matched outside of motherhood.

When our daughters are born, just as all babies, they are dependent on their mothers to love, feed, nurture and teach them; to keep them warm and safe; and, to demonstrate positive social interaction, responsibility and life skills. As infants, our daughters enter the world looking for a primary person to attach themselves to - this person becomes their role model, their mentor, their teacher, their confidant, their most trusted ally. If you think about it - that’s a pretty weighty responsibility; a tall order. Yet, we carry it out with love, selflessness and determination.

Plus we obviously share female physical and emotional issues throughout life from chemical imbalances due to monthly hormonal changes to the angst of puberty and the perceived purgatory of the tween and teen years, to pregnancy and eventual motherhood, even growing up female in a still male-oriented world. These are all challenging and daughters seek strength, support and guidance from their mothers until death do them part.

In a sense mothers and daughters start off with a handicap that is as daunting as the autonomy and independence sought. As mothers we have the most task-, time-intensive-, risk-, management-, public policy-, health and welfare-, and education-oriented job in the world.

Good mothers seek to balance our lives and the lives of our daughters while completing a myriad of daily tasks to keep the household and their lives running , all of which combined daily are time-intensive and require skill time management, all have a degree of risk to the delicate and ever-changing mental, physical and spiritual development of our daughters; all require management together and separately to stave chaos and attain productivity; all combined, if done well, result in upstanding human beings with morals and ethics who are able to lead others as positive and trusted role models who walk their talk therefore improving public policy and the adherence to such. We are the examples to our daughters of a healthy lifestyle and the Golden Rule that balances the welfare of themselves and others; and, we teach them all the primary life skills for independence, survival and accomplishing good things in and for the world we live in. Monetary value = more than the highest ranking, highest paid corporate executive on earth. We as mothers are primarily responsible for raising upstanding human beings. Good mothers have the love, tools and determination within us to build our girls up and equip them with the life skills they need to be extraordinary, positive and contributory women.

Well, it’s already quite obvious - good mothers neither get paid for what they do nor do they receive annual minimum 3% raises. We are, in a sense volunteers. But that’s okay, because what good mothers do is a labor of pure love.

However, it’s fun to dream: If the role of good mothers was task-for-task compared with the highest ranked executives of the corporate world, the reality of the salary imbalance between motherhood and corporate executives has been estimated to range from the low $100,000s to $500,000+/year. Wouldn’t that be nice. Still, the rewards of motherhood and the positive relationships we create with our daughters far outweigh any proposed monetary equivalent. Thus, truly the best things is life are free (monetarily speaking).

Stress and the Mother and Daughter Relationship

There are several things good mothers can do to alleviate stress or avoid it all together.

First and foremost, remember that you can plan all you want but life, like childbirth, has its own momentum. Anything can happen and you’re there for the ride of your life. So make it count in a positive way. Be prepared for primary and logical contingencies but don’t sweat the small stuff. Know that you have been privileged to be a mom and that with the Golden Rule in the forefront, you can continue to make lemonade from all situations.

Our goal as mothers is to make our daughters feel secure about: our love for and commitment to them, themselves, their place in the world and their ability to positively contribute to its betterment. Such security comes from consistency, reliability, trust development, pleasurable experiences and modeling productive life skills. Our daughters in turn will have high self esteem, self-control, emotional balance, be comfortable in their independence and live productive contributory lives.a

Though we dread the day they leave the nest, we do our daughters a disservice by holding onto them or trying to mold them into ourselves. Though we might resemble one another, sound alike on the phone, and have a few of the same mannerisms and traits, a mother and daughter represent two wonderfully different people. Mother and daughter perceptions, though often shared, are still different because they are formed by each of us individually. That's part of the beauty and the depth of mother and daughter relationships. Respecting and appreciating each other's individuality while enjoying commonalities allows us to share and grow together - expand each other's horizons. Know that as our daughters grow into adulthood, they don’t seek to leave us, but rather gain autonomy. They want to remain emotionally connected to us while becoming independent; self-sufficient. As mothers, we need to allow them the freedom to do this.

How? Good mother and daughter relationships enable a healthy sense of self for both mother and daughter. We are their examples of holding their own in this world. We cannot load baggage onto them that we decided to carry with us into motherhood. Our daughters are not our sherpas. If we’ve got excess baggage we need to lighten our own load rather than load it onto them. THIS is essential or we become part of history repeating itself rather than improving the world. When we as mothers have a positive sense of self, we will not only be demonstrating a powerful role model for our daughters; we will also be successful with the inevitable and healthy separation that frees our daughters to achieve their own identities and build solid emotional foundations for their adult lives.

Don’t take your daughter(s)’ desire to be autonomous personally. It is a rite of passage and a wonderful opportunity to share a pitcher of lemonade as mother and daughter! Your daughter(s)' success in achieving autonomy is also your success - you’ve done your job well and equipped them with the skills and tools - as well as the freedom and trust - to do so.

Remember, it’s all good.

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